Intense Post...Beware.

There comes a point in time where things just stand still...and I feel like right now in my life, it's one of those times. As far as my career goes, it's just getting started, which is a terrific feeling, don't get me wrong. But, I feel as though I can't fully enjoy it because a lot of other things are still at a stand still. It's really hard to explain, but I am going to try my best and see where it goes.

Obviously Brad and I had a great relationship. Even when we finally broke up, things were not bad. Something just changed and it felt like we were strictly friends. I'm still having a very hard time dealing with the emotions stemming from our break up. Still to this day, I have a hard time being totally emotionally "over" the situation and I feel like by now, almost a year later, I should be over it. On top of that, I should be over it because I've been with Justin now for almost a year. And, to be honest, I'm not. I still think about him, miss him, and miss the things we did. Unfortunately, when we were together, we were at different points in our lives. I wanted more and he just wasn't there yet and ultimately that's what ended our being together. And, when I think about it- I always wonder if things would be the same. Ultimately, we're the same people to the core. Of course people change, but would it ever be enough?! Sometimes I think yes, most times I think no. I still talk to him like, maybe once a week...via AIM, text or actually on the phone. It just kind of depends. It's always nice to get back on track with him and see how he is and what he's been up to. I think about him a lot. He's dating someone (37 years old (I think) I might add-yeah, he just turned 24)...and seems "happy for now" or at least that's the way he makes it seem. And, to be honest, I am happy for him. He deserves to be happy.

He's honestly one of the greatest men I know. In the long run, I think that Brad will be an excellent husband- he cooks, cleans, has a good job, is one of the hardest working 24 year olds that I know, has a terrific family, and has one of the best, most positive outlooks on life overall. He's motivated. He's determined. He's good with his money. He's self sufficient. The list could go on and on...

As for Justin- things are good. I can't say they are great because I feel as though I have 1 foot in and 1 foot out. People say it all the time, but I'm going to say it and TRULY mean it: Hands down- It's totally me that is keeping our relationship the way it is. Sometimes I'm there and sometimes I'm not and it's very noticeable. Justin, of course, picks up on this immediately. I still have an incredibly hard time converting over from being strictly friends with Justin for yearrrrssss, into being so much more. We have a shit ton in common and always have a great time. It's definitely NOT that, that is the problem. I think the problem lies in the fact that I'm always comparing. Always.

And, I think that Justin and I have very different thoughts on several important things: marriage and money being the 2 that I think of right off hand. Justin doesn't like the tradition of ANYTHING. He doesn't like the "normalness" of things, and likes everything to be unique. While I agree to some extent, I disagree with it also. He HATES weddings because they're all the same. I've tried to explain that, yes, they are the same- saying vows, wearing a wedding dress, having a wedding party....etc., but they are each customized to the couple...and he just doesn't understand/see it. When it comes to money: it's one of the biggest things in his life. I don't stress about money. I mean, eventually it gets used and it's just money. I do what I want with it, pay bills and don't think beyond that. I wouldn't have to have a top paying job to be happy. Justin must always have the best of the best of everythingggg. It's just very important to him, and it's not that way to me. I could be fine with a small house with not the nicest things. For Justin- that would never, ever fly.

Justin is good at what he does, has a wonderful family, makes good money and is smart with his investments. He has a lot of nice things that people our age do not have. In fact, he has a lot of nicer things than most people my parents age will ever have. He's passionate about music, and I think it's great because he's good at it. When it comes to being motivated, he lacks. He doesn't pick up after himself, doesn't try to even clean up unless it's necessary- like he's having a party, and isn't that hard of a worker- outside of work. He works hard a work, I'm sure, because he's awesome at what he does and has the thought process of having the desire to be better at what he does than anyone else. After work however, there is not a lot of drive.

To top things off- obviously Justin has issues regarding Carlee. Everyone knows this and I think I know it best. Even when he seems happy- he's not fully happy. He has major emotion issues. Trust issues. Feeling issues. And, it's completely understandable. I couldn't everrrrr in a trillion years imagine the pain he's been through. He's never dealt with it, because no one helped him. He's always felt like he had to be a rock. I've had several conversations about it with him and I've told him I think he needs to talk to someone to learn to deal with the situation and try to move on. I even suggested going with him. In all the years I've been close to Justin he's maybe brought up Carlee a handful of times. And, one of those times, his dad brought it up and he stopped it after saying 1 thing about it. It's been almost 11 years, I believe. And, he always has excuses. It's almost as though he's missing the sad feeling. Example: when most people get sad- he will either get pissed...or nervously laugh because he doesn't know what to do.

And I always think to myself, could I do all of this forever? And, I can't ever honestly answer that. Justin is an awesome boyfriend...but would he be an awesome husband? I'm just not sure. He compromises, sure. But, I don't feel like he ever tries to make things that bother me better. Does that make sense? And, in the end- it hurts.

When I really sit down and think- Justin is seriously that "super boyfriend" type. He's always thinking about me, always wanting more out of our relationship...he's where I was with Brad. And I'm in Brad's spot with Justin. It's all mixed up and it drives me absolutely insane. I feel as though if I could get over the Brad situation, I'd be so much better off. I think that eventually I could love Justin the way I love(d) Brad- but I'm just not there yet. Sometimes I feel forced into things with Justin because he's so into wanting it. He obviously wants me to move in. I'm not there yet. I don't want to move in because I don't want to tell my parents. I mean, yeah, that's part of it, but I don't want to make a mistake. I think Justin should be understanding of this, and instead he gets pissed. He doesn't care that I'm not 100% about it. He only thinks about it from his point of view. He wants it, so I should too. And since I don't, it's not good enough for him. There are a lot of things I feel "not good enough" about when it comes to Justin. I'm myself around Justin, sure. I think I was more myself around Brad. I didn't fear saying things to Brad and being looked at in a different light. With Justin- I do. For whatever reason- I feel as though I cannot fully get there. I've talked to many people regarding this and I get mixed reactions all the time.

My mom said that ultimately you have to have a solid friendship with your significant other in order for it to work in the long run. You have to have things you both enjoy doing because the whole "lovey dovey" thing eventually ends. And to be honest, I really think she's correct in saying that. But, I also think that there has to be more.

My best friends think that I am happier with Justin. At times I am. I think when I'm around them, I am happier because we're doing things we all enjoy. When it comes to a "home life" I don't think I'm as happy. I just don't know.

I know this sounds HORRIFIC, but I'll throw this all out there and sound like the most terrible person on the planet: When I think about things, I ultimately still see Brad and I together- most days. Not always, but most days. When I think about the way I love(d) Brad I know with 100% of my heart that I loved him deeper than what I currently love Justin. I love Justin, I really do- it's just at a different depth. When I think about the friendship aspect of the relationship, Justin and I definitely 100% have more going on for us. We have a grand time. Brad and I didn't really have a lot in common when it came to things we liked doing. We didn't really do much together...and that was a HUGE dilemma, obviously.

I think the stand still comes into play because I just don't know which is better. The loving someone deeper and more fully and having less in common, or the loving someone and enjoying their company and having things in common just not at such an intense depth. Sure, there is the possibility of neither of them "being the one for me," but even if it were not between the 2 people, I think I would still have the same thoughts regarding a relationship...in general. I literally feel torn in 2 different directions.

I hate it. Life is a trainwreck and it shouldn't be. I stress myself out. It's been a rough couple of days...I'll just end this with that.